The Project Gutenberg eBook of Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at gutenberg.sitesdebloques.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title: Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Editor: J. A. Hammerton Illustrator: John Leech Release date: October 1, 2010 [eBook #33824] Language: English Credits: Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S AFTER-DINNER STORIES *** Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day MR. PUNCH'S AFTER-DINNER STORIES [Illustration] [Illustration: PROGRESS.--"I maintain that the race has improved in physique since those days. Now _we_ couldn't get into that armour!"] * * * * * MR. PUNCH'S AFTER-DINNER STORIES _WITH 155 ILLUSTRATIONS_ BY JOHN LEECH, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, PHIL MAY, L. RAVEN-HILL, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, F. H. TOWNSEND, REGINALD CLEAVER, LEWIS BAUMER, A. S. BOYD, TOM WILKINSON, G. D. ARMOUR, AND OTHERS [Illustration] PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD. * * * * * THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR _Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_ LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDREN [Illustration] * * * * * POST-PRANDIAL WIT [Illustration] There is a sense, of course, in which everything from the pages of MR. PUNCH might be regarded as coming into a collection entitled "After Dinner Stories." All good stories are really for telling after dinner. Somehow or other one seldom associates wit and humour with the breakfast table, although the celebrated breakfast parties of Rogers, the banker, were doubtless in no way deficient in either. Over the walnuts and wine, when men have feasted well and are feeling on the best of with themselves and their fellows, the cares of the day put past and the pleasures of the gas-lit hours begun, that is undoubtedly the ideal time for the flow of wit. It must not, therefore, be thought that the present volume is in anywise distinguished from the others of the series to which it belongs in the appropriateness of its contents for the dinner party. No more than any of its companions is it designed to that end; but as it is concerned almost exclusively with the humours of dining, with stories of diners, it will be itted that its title is not without justification. Private dinner parties, public banquets, the solitary dinner at the restaurant, the giving and accepting of invitations, these and many other phases of dining come within its scope, and if it be noticed that a considerable amount of its humour has something of the fragrance of good old port--to say nothing of the aroma of wines that are bad!--it can only be retorted that MR. PUNCH'S duty has ever been to mirror the manners of the changing time, and in his early days the wine flowed more freely than it does to-day. For our personal taste we could have wished less of this humour of the bottle, but throughout this library an effort has been made to maintain in some degree a historical perspective, so that, in addition to the prime purpose of entertainment, each of these books in MR. PUNCH'S LIBRARY might be a faithful picture of the manners of the Victorian period in which most of his life has been ed. If to-day these manners seem to us just a trifle coarser than we esteem the social habits of our own day, surely that is a comforting reflection and one not lightly to be lost! [Illustration] * * * * * MR. PUNCH'S AFTER-DINNER STORIES [Illustration] _Mrs. Jones._ And pray, Mr. Jones, what is the matter now? _Jones._ I was only wondering, my dear, where you might have bought this fish. _Mrs. Jones._ At the fishmonger's. Where do you suppose I bought it? _Jones._ Well, I thought that, _perhaps_, there might have been a remnant sale at the Royal Aquarium! * * * * * EXCUSE FOR DRINKING BEFORE DINNER.--To whet the appetite. * * * * * [Illustration: _Voice from above._ "What are you doing down there, Parkins?" _Parkins._ "I'm jush--puttin' away the port, shir!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Commissionaire._ "Would you like a four-wheeler or a 'ansom sir?" _Convivial Party_ (_indistinctly_). "Ver' mush oblige--but--reely don't think I _could_ take 'ny more!"] * * * * * RICE AND PRUNES Rice and prunes a household journal Called the chief of household boons; Hence my mother cooks diurnal Rice and prunes. Therefore on successive noons, Sombre fruit and snowy kernel Woo reluctant forks and spoons. As the ear, when leaves are vernal, Wearies of the blackbird's tunes, So we weary of eternal Rice and prunes. * * * * * NEVER SPEAK IN A HURRY THE HOSPITABLE JONES. Yes, we're in the same old place, where you dined with us last year. By the bye, old man, I wish you and your wife would come and take pot-luck with us again on the---- _The Impulsive Brown (in the eagerness of his determination never again to take pot-luck with the Joneses)._ My _dear_ fellow! _So_ sorry! But we're engaged on the--a--on the--er--on th-th-that evening! _Poor Jones (pathetically)._ Well, old man, you _might_ have given me time just to _name the day_. * * * * * [Illustration: "WHO PAYS THE PIPER CALLS THE TUNE" _Johnnie (to waiter)._ "Aw--you're the boss--head waiter, eh?" _Waiter._ "Yessir." _Johnnie._ "Ah, well, just--ah--send up to your _orchestra chaps_, and tell 'em I really can't eat my dinner to _that_ tune."] * * * * * [Illustration: A LAST RESOURCE.--A happy and independent bachelor finds himself suddenly disappointed of his Christmas party in the country; he has ordered nothing at home, has given his cook and man-servant leave to invite their friends; his intimate companions are out of town, and, on arriving at his club, he is informed by the hall porter that "there is no dinner to-night, as the servants are having a party." Only one resource, a hotel, or dinner at a restaurant, all alone!] * * * * * [Illustration: THE VERY LATEST DISCOVERY.--_Amateur Astronomical Student (returning home, after attending scientific bachelor dinner, where "the reported discovery of a new Satellite of Saturn" has been warmly discussed)._ "Where am I? Letsh shee--(_considering_)--Earth's got one moon. Mars's got five moo--Jup'tush nine--I shee two moons. Then--where _am_ I?"] * * * * * [Illustration: EFFECT OF GOOD CHEER ON OPPOSITE TEMPERAMENTS Aspect of Jones and Smith at two different stages of the same sumptuous repast.] * * * * * AT THE CELESTIAL RESTAURANT _Customer (indignantly)._ Hi! waiter, what do you call this soup? _Waiter (meekly)._ I not know, sir, but ze padrone tell me to describe 'im cocks-tail! * * * * * "THE COMING MAN."--A waiter. * * * * * [Illustration: SO VERY CONSCIENTIOUS!--_Master of the House._ "Why, Jenkins, what on earth is the matter with you? Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" _Butler (with great deliberation)_, "Well, shir--if you pleashe, shir--itsh not quite _my_ fault. You told me to taste every bottle of wine before dinner, in cashe one should be corked. I've only carried out in-shtrucshuns."] * * * * * THE VERB TO DINE PRESENT TENSE I dine. Thou est me. He tries to whip us up for a division. We smoke our cigars. Ye drink your port. They are defeated in the lobby. IMPERFECT TENSE I was dining. Thou wast holding a reception. He was attending it. We were feeling puzzled. Ye were reading the _Globe_ and _Pall Mall_. They were not knowing what to make of it. FUTURE TENSE I shall dine. Thou wilt my party. He will squirm. We shall promote the unity of the party. Ye will applaud. They will call a meeting at the "Reform." PERFECT TENSE I have dined. Thou hast made ambiguous remarks. He has explained them away. We have tried to make it all sweet again. Ye have split a soda. They have split the party. SUBJUNCTIVE PRESENT I may dine. Thou mayest object. He may want to state his views. We may insist on our dinners. Ye may agree with them. They may disagree with you. SUBJUNCTIVE IMPERFECT I might dine. Thou mightest emerge from Berkeley Square. He might resign. We might lead. Ye might follow. They might not. IMPERATIVE Dine thou! Let him speak out! Let us know who is our leader! Read ye the _Times_ and _Globe_! Let them settle the question for us! INFINITIVE Present: To split. Past: To have been a party. * * * * * AFTER-DINNER CONSIDERATION.--"Hippopotamuses" is a better test-word of fitness for ing the ladies than "British Constitution." * * * * * [Illustration: DISCUSSING AN ABSENT FRIEND "Yes, Robinson's a clever feller, and he's a modest feller, and he's a honest feller; but, betwixt you and I and the _post_, Mr. Jones," said Brown, confidentially, picking his wisdom tooth with his little finger nail, "Robinson ain't got neither the looks, nor yet the language, nor yet the manners of a _gentleman_!" "Right you are, sir!" said Jones, shovelling the melted remains of his ice pudding into his mouth with a steel knife (which he afterwards wiped on the tablecloth). "_You've 'it 'im orf to a T!_"] * * * * * [Illustration: _First Convivial._ "'Sh two o'clock! Wha'll er misshus shay?" _Second Convivial._ "Thash allri'! Shay you bin wi' me--(_hic_)!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "IN CONFIDENCE" _Dining-room, Apelles Club_ _Diner._ "Thomson, do the ask for this wine?" _Head Waiter (sotto voce)._ "Not twice, sir!"] * * * * * SPECIMENS OF MR. PUNCH'S SIGNATURES! (_Fac-similes taken during the course of the evening._) [Illustration: Punch] THIS IS BEFORE DINNER, 7·30. ATTESTED BY SEVERAL WITNESSES. [Illustration: Punch] THIS IS AFTER THE PUNCH À LA ROMAINE, ABOUT THE MIDDLE OF THE BANQUET. [Illustration: Punch] THIS IS WITH THE DESSERT. [Illustration: Punch] AFTER THE CLARET. [Illustration: Punch] AFTER THE CLARET _AND_ THE PORT. [Illustration: Punch] DURING THE CIGARS, WHISKEY AND WATER. [Illustration: Punch] 12·30. BEFORE LEAVING TABLE. [Illustration: Punch] 1·30. BEFORE GETTING INTO BED. The above have been submitted to an eminent expert, who says he could almost swear they are the same hand-writing, but must come and dine with _Mr. P._, in order absolutely to them. * * * * * [Illustration: A BAD ENDING.--"Well, William, what's become of Robert?" "What, 'aven't you 'eard, sir?" "No! Not _defunct_, I hope!" "That's just exactly what he _'as_ done, sir, and walked off with heverything he could lay his 'ands on!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A SALVE FOR THE CONSCIENCE _Vegetarian Professor._ "No, madam, not even fish. I cannot sanction the destruction of life. These little creatures, for instance, were but yesterday swimming happily in the sea." _Mrs. O'Laughlan._ "Oh but, Professor, just think it's the first time the poor little things have ever been really warm in their lives!"] * * * * * [Illustration: FELICITOUS QUOTATION "Oh, Robert, the grouse has been kept too long! I wonder you can eat it!" "My dear, 'we needs must love the highest when we see it.'" (_Guinevere._)] * * * * * [Illustration: _Little Boreham_ (_relating his Alpine adventures_). "There I stood, the terrible abyss yawning at my feet----" _That Brute Brown._ "Was it yawning when you got there, or did it start after you arrived?"] * * * * * [Illustration: At a dinner given by my Lord Broadacres to some of his tenants, curaçoa is handed in a liqueur-glass to old Turnitops, who, swallowing it with much relish, says--"Oi zay, young man! Oi'll tak zum o' that in a moog!"] * * * * * [Illustration: PRICE FOR AGE _Mr. Green._ "You needn't be afraid of that glass of wine, uncle. It's thirty-four port, you know." _Uncle._ "Thirty-four port!--Thirty-four fiddlesticks! It's no more thirty-four port than you are!" _Mr. Green._ "It _is_ I can assure you! Indeed, it's _really thirty-six_; and _thirty-four if you return the bottles_!"] * * * * * [Illustration: FLUNKEIANA _Master._ "Thompson, I believe that I have repeatedly expressed an objection to being served with stale bread at dinner. How is it my wishes have not been attended to?" _Thompson._ "Well, sir, I reely don't know what is to be done! It won't do to waste it, and we _can't_ eat it downstairs!"] * * * * * [Illustration: CONCLUSIVE SCENE--_Hibernian Table d'hôte_ _Guest._ "Waiter! I say--this is pork! I want mutton!" _Waiter_ (_rather bustled_). "Yes, sorr, it's mutton ye _want_--but it's pork ye'll _have_!"] * * * * * RAMBLING RONDEAUX _At Table d'hôte_ At _table d'hôte_, I quite decline To sit there and attempt to dine! Of course you never dine, but "feed," And gobble up with fearsome greed A hurried meal you can't define. The room is close, and, I opine, I should not like the food or wine; While all the guests are dull indeed At _table d'hôte_! The clatter and the heat combine One's appetite to undermine. When noisy waiters take no heed, But change the plates at railway speed-- I feel compelled to "draw my line" At _table d'hôte_! * * * * * SUFFICIENT EXCUSE _Jones_ (_to Brown_). I say, old fellow, I saw you last night, after that dinner. Your legs were uncommonly unsteady. _Brown._ No, dear boy; legs were right enough. It was my tros that were so "tight." * * * * * [Illustration: CRUEL!--_Lucullus Brown_ (_on hospitable purpose intent_). "Are you dining anywhere to-morrow night?" _Jones_ (_not liking to absolutely "give himself away"_). "Let me see"--(_considers_)--"No; I'm not dining anywhere to-morrow." _Lucullus Brown_ (_seeing through the artifice_). "Um! Poor chap! How hungry you will be!" ["_Exeunt,--severally._"] * * * * * [Illustration: CANDID! _Simultaneously_ _Host (smacking his lips)._ "Now, what do you say to that glass of she----" _Guest._ "My dear fellow, where did you get this abominable Marsala?"] * * * * * GUESTS TO BE AVOIDED "Hullo, old man! How is it you're dining at the club? Thought your wife told me she had the Browns and Smiths to dinner this evening?" "No--that was yesterday. This evening she has the odds and ends." * * * * * SECTARIAN "Hullo, John! What a jolly dish! Potatoes, greens, carrots, beans! Who's it for?" "Mr. Binks, sir." "Is Mr. Binks a _vegetarian_?" "Oh no, sir! I believe he's Church of England!" * * * * * [Illustration: "TO PUT IT BROADLY" _Improvised Butler_ (_to distinguished guest_). "Will ye take anny more drink, sor?"] * * * * * [Illustration: _First Customer._ "Waiter, a fried sole." _Second Customer._ "Bring me a fried sole, too, waiter--and mind it is fresh." _Waiter._ "Two fried soles--one fresh!"] * * * * * [Illustration: AFTER MANY YEARS!--_Country Parson_ (_to distinguished Peer, who has been making_ THE _speech of the evening_). "How d'ye do, my lord? I see you don't quite me." _Distinguished Peer._ "Well--er--not altogether." _C. P._ "We were of the same club at Oxford." _D. P._ (_with awakening interest_). "Oh--ah! Let me see--which club was that?" _C. P._ "The--er--_Toilet Club_, you know!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID _She._ "We expected you to dinner last night, Herr Professor. We waited half an hour for you. I hope it was not _illness_ that prevented you from coming?" _He._ "Ach, no! I vas not hongry!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A DILEMMA _Nervous Gentleman_ (_to two sisters_). "I've got to take one of you in to dinner. A--a--let me see--a--which is the elder?"] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID _Jones_ (_to hostess, famous for her dinners_). "Oh, by the way, Mrs. Hodgkinson, if you should happen to want a really good cook, I know of one who would suit you to a T!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE RULING ION STRONG AT DINNER _Laconic Waiter_ (_thoroughly familiar with sporting Major's taste in champagne_). "Seventy-four, sir?" _Sporting Major_ (_down on his luck, after a bad week at Newmarket_). "Seven-to-four, sir! Dash it! wouldn't take ten to one about anything!"] * * * * * [Illustration: CAUSE AND _Host_ (_to coachman, who is turned on as butler on grand occasions_). "I want you to see that all my guests enjoy themselves, Coggledab. Don't let them have to ask for anything. Be particularly attentive to my dear aunt, Mrs. Dumbledock!"] * * * * * [Illustration: EFFECT _Coggledab_ (_in a stage-whisper, during a lull in the conversation, to Mrs. Dumbledock, who has recently ed the Blue Ribbon Army._) "'Ollands, whiskey, or cog-nack, mum? You can't be enjy-in' of yourself. _You're not drinkin'!_" [_Mrs. Dumbledock alters her will the next day_] * * * * * A LITTLE DINNER OF THE FUTURE _A Forecast by Mr. Punch's Own Clairvoyant_ According to the _Daily Chronicle_, "an American professor is looking forward to the time when cooking and dining shall become lost arts, and we shall take our sustenance in the form of tablets of concentrated things." Our esteemed contemporary appears to think that such a system would necessarily do away with all conviviality and social intercourse; but, unless MR. PUNCH'S clairvoyant is liable to error (which is absurd), we need not take quite so gloomy a view of the future. People will still entertain, only the dinner of the next century will be a more economical and less tedious function, and, instead of having to go through a trying interview with her cook, the coming hostess will merely look in at the nearest food chemist's, when some such conversation as the following will settle the whole business. _Hostess._ We've some people coming in to take a few tablets with us this evening; what do you think I'd better have? _The Food Chemist._ You will require _soup_, of course, madam. I could send you one of these patent soup-sprinklers, exceedingly simple to work, and quite the fashion in the highest circles: the butler sprays each guest before showing them upstairs. We supply the machine, charged with the very best soup, at ninepence a night. _Hostess._ No, I don't want anything _fussy_, it's quite an informal little gathering. An ounce of those mock-turtle jujubes at fourpence I had last time will do very well. _The F. C._ Very good, madam. Then, with regard to fish? I can strongly recommend these bi-carbonate of cod and oyster sauce lozenges, or I have some sulphate of salmon and cucumber pastilles, that I think you would like, ninepence the quarter-of-a-pound. _Hostess._ I'm afraid I mustn't be extravagant. I'll take a small bottle of condensed smelt tabloids (the _sixpenny_ size), and what are left will come in nicely for the children's dinner next day. _The F. C._ Precisely so, madam. And as to _entrées_--will you have cockscomb cachous or sweetbread pilules? _Hostess._ It makes such a _long_ dinner. I don't want a lot of things. _The F. C._ In _that_ case, madam, I think I have the very article--a most elegant electro-chemical preparation, combining _entrée_, t, and bird, with just a trace of vegetable matter, put up in small capsules, at one and elevenpence halfpenny the box of one dozen. _Hostess._ That would be cheaper than having each course in separate tablets, _wouldn't_ it? I think I'll try a box. What wonderful improvements they bring out nowadays, to be sure! _The F. C._ They do indeed, madam. I am told that the Concentrated Food Stores will shortly be able to place on the market a series of graduated wafers, each containing a complete dinner, from a City banquet to a cutlet, at prices to correspond with the number of courses required. _Hostess._ Delightful! And then the most expensive dinners will be all over in a minute, instead of dragging on to ten minutes or a quarter of an hour, as I've known them to do sometimes! I've often thought what a pity it is that we waste so much precious time as we do in merely supplying our bodily wants. _The F. C._ We are improving, madam, slowly improving. And what about sweets, cheese, and savouries? _Hostess._ I might have one of those two-inch blocks of condensed apple-tart, and a box of cheese pills--_no_ savouries. You see, it's only a _family_ party! _The F. C._ Exactly so, madam. And shall you be needing anything in the way of stimulants? _Hostess._ Let me see--you may send me in a couple of ounces of acidulated champagne drops--the _Australian_ quality, _not_ the French, they're twopence an ounce dearer, and so few people notice the difference nowadays, do they? _The F. C._ (_to himself_). Not until the next morning! (_Aloud._) And liqueurs? Any brandy-balls with the coffee creams? We have some very fine essence-of-dessert jellies----. _Hostess_ Nothing more, thank you. (_To herself as she departs._) I'm sure I've spent quite enough as it is on John's stingy old relations, who never ask us to have so much as a lunch-lozenge or a tea-tabloid with them! * * * * * _Lady of uncertain age_ (_discussing dinner party_). No, I cannot say it was very complimentary; they gave me to an archæologist to take down. * * * * * [Illustration: _Old Jones._ "Yes, my boy, _there's_ wine for you, eh? I bought ten pounds worth of it the other day." _Brown._ "What a _lot_ you must have got!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A BIG ORDER _Stout Party_ (_to waitress_), "Put me on a pancake, please!"] * * * * * [Illustration: AT A LITERARY AND ARTISTIC BANQUET.--_Waiter_ (_to colleague_). "Well, they may 'ave the intellec', Fred, but we certainly 'as the good looks!"] * * * * * [Illustration: Why not a phonographic after-dinner speech machine? Celebrities could be represented at any number of banquets. ["An experiment in dinner speeches by telephone is to be tried at Massachusetts Institute."]] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE _Would-be Considerate Hostess (to son of the house)._ "How inattentive you are, John! You really must look after Mr. Brown. _He's helping himself to everything!_" [_Discomfiture of Brown, who, if somewhat shy, is conscious of a very healthy appetite._]] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD(N'T) RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--(_In Mrs. Talbot de Vere Skynflynte's drawing-room, after one of her grand dinner-parties where nobody gets enough to eat._) _General Guzzleton._ "What's that? Tea? No, thanks. I never take tea unless I've dined!"] * * * * * PROVERBS FOR BALL AND DINNER GIVERS Ices and tea and coffee and small cakes are as good as a feast. You may bring an amateur tenor up to a piano, but you cannot make him sing. A lord in the room is worth two dukes in the bush. In provincial society the lord-lieutenant is king. Flirtation is the mother of invention. All good dances lead to the conservatory. Take care of the rounds, and the squares will look after themselves. It is a wise waltzer who knows her own step. A dinner in time saves nine. When the confectioner comes in by the door the cook flies out by the window. What is port to your wine merchant is death to your guests. Keep your champagne dry. Call a stable-boy by any other name, and he will resemble the rose under similar circumstances. You can't make a head butler out of a local greengrocer. When the soup is cold, the wit flies out. If you have enough cheap and nasty dishes, some of them must be eaten. The _menu_ makes the dinner. Ask _Mr. Punch_ to a really good and well thought-out meal, and you will have an exceptionally lucky man for your guest. * * * * * THE SIGH OF THE SEASON Good-bye dinner, good-bye lunch, Good-bye turtle, good-bye punch, Good-bye jambon soaked in cham., Good-bye venison, cutlets lamb, Good-bye salmon, smelts, and sole, Good-bye Heidsieck's monopole, Good-bye hock, sauterne, and sherry, Good-bye all that makes me merry, Good-bye liqueurs, _petit verre_, Good-bye sauce _au Vin Madère_, Good-bye all these joys of life, Good-bye fork, and good-bye knife, Good-bye all I take when out, Good-bye _then_ this twinge of gout! * * * * * [Illustration: _Our Gallant Colonel._ "Your daughters, my dear Mrs. Tympanum, are looking delightful to-night--simply delightful!" _Mrs. Tympanum (rather hard of hearing, and very intent on a rôti of ducklings)._ "Yes, aren't they! I've had them stuffed with sage and onions!"] * * * * * [Illustration: CRUEL!--_Smith (usually a shy, reserved, and silent man) tells a rather long, but otherwise entertaining, story, about an orange, which meets with great success. Brown (when the laughter and applause have subsided)._ "Bravo, Smith! Capital, old man! But, I say, you told it better one night at Jones's, a few months ago!" _Jones._ "No, no! Where he told it best was that morning we breakfasted with you, Brown, somewhere about the beginning of the year before last!" _Robinson._ "Ah, but don't you recollect the way he told it after that supper I gave you fellows at Evans' in 'fifty-one'? How we _did_ laugh, to be sure!"] * * * * * [Illustration: WHOSE FAULT?--_Wife (reproachfully)._ "O, Charles!" (_She had returned to the dining-room, wondering why he had not come upstairs to tea.) Charles (who had evidently taken a little too much wine)._ "V'y well, my dear! 'Sh not my fault! 'Sh your fault! Cooksh fault! 'Bisque soup was salt! Sh'preme d'la V'laille was smoked! And orange frittersh 'tough as leather! What did Capt'n du Cane shay? Bad cookery cause of all sorts o' crimes. 'Shamed of yourshelf!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "For when our veins are filled With wine and feeding, we have suppler souls Than in our priest-like fasts."--SHAKSPEARE: _Coriolanus_. AFTER-DINNER CRITICISM.--_Guest (who has had a pleasant evening, will just have a look at his host's pictures before he goes)._ "Yesh--(_hic_)--'like tha' pictsh're! Fi' lanshc'pe! 'Like the treesh! 'Branshes wave 'bout s' nash'rally!!!"] * * * * * DINNER PLATITUDES Twice of soup is vulgar, but three times of soup implies that you must be more than double-plated with vulgarity. Such a thing was never known, not even at the Trinity Board, and turtle is not the slightest excuse for your pushing things to such a vulgar length. An alderman would really blush for you. A soft answer turneth away wrath, and an invitation to take a glass of wine will frequently restore warmth between two friends where only coldness existed before. No matter how plain your cook may be, so long as your dinner is well-dressed. A few compliments go a great way. A little savoury _pâté_ is quite enough. Try too many, and you'll find they'll prove heavy. When the ladies retire from the dinner-table, it is not usual for you (supposing you to be a gentleman) to retire with them. In this instance, the same law extends to the mistress as to the servants:--"No Followers Allowed." A gratuity well bestowed frequently has a happy effect. The servant that is fee'd well takes care that his master does the same. In the hands of an inferior _artiste_, whether an omelette turns out good or bad, is quite a matter of toss up. It is the same with a pancake. Keep ill-natured people from your table, as you would sour fruit. They are sure to disagree with every one. Avoid crab-apples, lest the apple of discord should turn up amongst them. * * * * * ODE TO A DINNER-GONG "The tocsin of the soul--the dinner-bell." So said, iringly, the late Lord Byron, But he had never heard _your_ noisy knell, O blatant bellowing thing of brass or iron, Or surely he had metrically cursed Your nerve-distracting Corybantic clangour. Would his fine indignation could have versed My utter hate, my agonising anger. Alas! is gusto then so great a sin, Is feeding man so terrible a sinner That such a worse than _Duncan_-raising din Must summon him to--dinner? * * * * * [Illustration: DOWN A PEG.--_Mr. Gifted Hopkins (minor poet, essayist, critic, golfer, fin-de-siècle idol, &c.)._ "Oh, Mrs. Smart--a--I've been thinking, for the last twenty minutes, of something to say to you!" _Mrs. Smart (cheerfully)._ "Please go on thinking, Mr. Hopkins,--and I'll go on talking to Professor Brayne in the meantime."] * * * * * [Illustration: PAST AND PRESENT.--_Serious and much-married man._ "My dear friend, I _was_ astonished to hear of _your_ dining at Madame Troisétoiles!--a 'woman with a past' you know!" _The Friend_ (_bachelor "unattached"_). "Well, you see, old man, she got a first-rate _chef_, so it isn't her 'past,' but her 're-past' that _I_ care about."] * * * * * [Illustration: A CONNOISSEUR.--_Sir Pompey Bedell._ "This bottle of Romanée-conti seems rather cloudy, Brown! It _ought_ to be all right. I know it stands me in _twelve guineas a dozen_!" _The New Butler._ "There certainly _his_ some sediment, Sir Pompey;